I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
