if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
