Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
