I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
