College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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