He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize