i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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