I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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