so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
