I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
