I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
