I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
