This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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