my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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