i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
