4 words: hood of his car
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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