i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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