In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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