The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
