dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
