I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
