Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
