I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
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My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
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Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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