Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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