I feel great
I just peed on a car
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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