Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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