She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
