You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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