what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
