I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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