i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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