If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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