How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
