You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
