I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
