Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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