how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We need to get me chipped asap
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
