Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
