those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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