There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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