Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need a burrito and a hug.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can't put those talents on a resume
Randomize
