I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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