My sheets look like a crime scene.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
