we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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