How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
