It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
birth control should be required to get into college
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize