happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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