I cockslap morals
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
