I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
