Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
