Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
