I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
