now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
