My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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