i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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