So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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